01 / KYC
Mandatory relationship KYC
A personality? Lovely. A bank balance? Essential. Our fictional screening process mistakes a credit report for chemistry.
A RED FLAG WITH A COMPLIANCE TEAM
THE EMOTIONAL COMMERCE PLATFORM
402 —
LOVE REQUIRES
PAYMENT.
A luxury invoice with attachment issues.
For egos that confuse a shopping list with a personality.
Emotional depth? Sorry. We only verify liquidity.
Fictional fintech. Realistic nonsense.
RELATIONSHIP CONSOLEDEMO
YOUR APPLICATION
Let’s talk numbers.
PROJECTED COST OF “IT’S NOTHING”
₹49,999/mo↗ 18.6%
Up from “I don’t want anything.”FIRST DATE“WE NEED TO TALK”
Emotional compatibilityNot required
Financial verificationMandatory
Genuine affection Pending
FLOWER INFLATION INDEX+248% ↗Same flowers. Higher expectations.
FEELINGS ARE TEMPORARY✳INVOICES ARE FOREVER✳LOVE, WITH TERMS & CONDITIONS✳EMOTIONAL CONNECTION SOLD SEPARATELY✳
01 / DUE DILIGENCE, BEFORE DINNER
Everything you need.
Except a connection.
We took the worst parts of dating
and gave them a finance department.
02 / INFLATION
Flower inflation index
The bouquet is never the problem. The invoice just wasn’t impressive enough. These standards bloom exclusively at checkout.
THE THOUGHT COUNTS. AT RETAIL PRICE.
03 / CERTIFICATION
Premium boyfriend certification
Congratulations. You’ve been promoted from person to payment method. Benefits include funding your own performance review.
A HUMAN ATM WITH EXTRA PAPERWORK
04 / SUBSCRIPTIONS
Love-as-a-Service
All the maintenance of a luxury product. All the emotional availability of a customer-support chatbot.
AUTO-RENEWS. BASIC DECENCY DOESN’T.
05 / PRIVACY
Emotional data security
Our imaginary platform treats your feelings like terms and conditions: technically present, enthusiastically ignored.
EMPATHY: NOT IN THIS RELEASE
06 / CREDIT
Relationship credit score
Our algorithm spots a low balance from space. Recognising a decent human being is still outside the feature roadmap.
HIGH STANDARDS. LOW SELF-AWARENESS.
02 / THE EDITORIAL INTERMISSION
Great taste.
No monthly
minimum.
The look can be premium.
The connection shouldn’t come with an invoice.
RESPECT IS THE STANDARD.
Photography only. The people pictured are not characters in this satire.
Portfolio photography is used for visual styling only. The fictional service, quotes and relationship scenarios do not describe the people pictured.
03 / EMOTIONAL RETURNS MAY VARY
Expensive standards.
Budget-bin behaviour.
Commitment period
THE ORIGINAL CONCEPT
Basic
Two people. One actual connection.
₹0/month
Cancelled for having a functioning moral compass.
- Respectful conversation
- Shared interests
- Emotional connection
- No financial audit
MOST EXPENSIVE RED FLAG
FOR ASPIRING HUMAN ATMS
Premium
Champagne expectations. Tap-water effort.
/month
Billed monthly. Belittled daily. Fictionally, of course.
- Premium flower expectations
- Regular lifestyle upgrades
- Financial eligibility verification
- Affection subject to approval
LOVE WITHOUT A SPENDING LIMIT
Enterprise
For egos that need their own finance department.
Let’s talk.
If you have to ask, book a demo.
- Unlimited spending assessments
- Dedicated financial monitoring
- Custom luxury requirements
- Surprise additional charges
SATIRICAL PRICING. NO ACTUAL SERVICES OFFERED. NO PAYMENTS ACCEPTED.
04 / FICTIONAL LOYALTY ADD-ONS
Cheating.
Now with premium excuses.
Our imaginary service treats exclusivity as a marketing claim and honesty as an optional upgrade. A bold business model for people allergic to accountability.
Cheating isn’t a personality.
Neither is the cover story.
Exclusive-ish™
The commitment says “just us.” The behaviour says “subject to availability.” Apparently the promise came with an options menu.
LOYALTY: NOT INCLUDED IN THIS PLANLie Sync™
Different stories. Different audiences. The same embarrassing lack of originality. One follow-up question and the entire plot falls apart.
CONSISTENCY: CRITICAL SYSTEM FAILUREAccountability Shield™
Our fictional culprit breaks a promise, gets caught, then blames the person who noticed. Premium audacity. Bargain-bin integrity.
EXCUSES: UNLIMITED · ACCOUNTABILITY: ZEROFictional products and scenarios. These jokes do not describe or accuse the people in the editorial photographs.
05 / PEER-REVIEWED BY NOBODY
Five-star demands.
One-star experience.
Entirely fictional people.
Alarmingly plausible experiences.
I asked for emotional availability. They sent me a payment link.
Five-star expectations. One-star effort. Somehow I was still the one being reviewed.
relationship.exe — system diagnosisFICTIONAL SYSTEM
ERROR 403: SELF-RESPECT REQUIRED
Your wallet passed.
Your standards objected.
- REASON
- A luxury invoice pretending to be a relationship.
- NEXT STEP
- Stop financing an ego. Start respecting yourself.
You are a person. Stop auditioning to be a sponsor.